massively intense headache

for the past 4 hours my head feels as if it has been knocked with a hammer a couple of times.
what i need is:
1. 3 hours of some deep intense massage.
2.one day just for my self
3.some actual time to sleep
4.a new bed. my bed is as hard as rock. i feel as if i had slept on the hardwood floor.
5.some new mediation techniques because yoga doesnt cut it anymore
6.and some really fast working painkillers

the good news is I've finally finished my senior thesis and the bad news is that i still have a shitload of other things i have to complete. >.<

STUPID SENIORITIS!!!

i swear this senior thesis is going to kill me. if this doesnt kill me then my college essay will. ...arrgh i am so overwhelmed... i never realized that so am so behind with many things in my life. college apps...school...club. oh crud i really have to start keeping a schedule!!!!

college essay

chandler i know that you read my blog...so i need you to revise my college essay. =D this also gives me a chance to put up my college essay because i think its really good. sooo yea...chandler as soon as you get this facebook me???



College Essay-

Ever since I was in elementary school, everyday at exactly 6 p.m. my brother comes up to me and states boldly “Lisa, I’m hungry.” Each and every single day my reply is always the same: “Okay, I’ll make you some rice.” As the eldest in a family of three siblings, my job is always and arguably the most difficult. I always have to be the most responsible one of us all. Perhaps it is because I’m the oldest. Whenever my siblings are hungry, I make them food, whenever they are sick, I nurse them to health, it is my job, my duty.
In 2007 it seemed as though my life had taken a turn for the worst, my parents had divorced. It was a tough year for me since my parents were my biggest supporters. However, I wouldn’t let it stop me. I took a couple of college courses at Queens College and volunteered at the local animal shelter. I became treasurer and subsequently secretary of my schools literary magazine and joined my schools girls fencing team.
Although it took quite a bit of time to realize, I finally had the insight of one simple factor: that my life did not end just because of my parents divorce. For a while I tried to do things for myself, just me. I would do anything to move past what had happened, and the feeling of being alone. It was at that moment I realized that I have supporters other than my parents; my brother and sister whom I love dearly and are both dependent on me. I realized than that I wanted both of them to be just successful if not more successful than me. I was happy being depended upon, and happy they looked up to me, as their big sister. My siblings do everything they can to help out, and make life easier for us all, despite everything that had happened.
I helped them both mentally and physically. My role was to be there when our mother was not. I was the one to cook when they were hungry, help them find answers to homework questions, and solve the everyday problems of life. I wanted and in a way needed to make their lives more comfortable. So, like me could feel that they could live without a father. The three of us together give each other the support and care, that every human needs.
The feeling of being depended on, and looked up to is phenomenal. Now that I have come to terms with the events of my life, I have decided that I want to help people other than my siblings. I hope to take the experiences I gain in college and combine them with the experiences I already have, to create something new and fantastic and ultimately unleash it into the world, for the greater good.

Mindless Chaos

My mind is in complete chaos right now.....I NEED TO HAVE SOME ORDER IN MY LIFE!!!! I feel like everything in my life is spiraling out of control. i have so much things going on. what i need is time. I NEVER HAVE TIME!!!! I want time to do things and not have to do everything the day before its due. i want time to study.i want time to myself. i don't remember when was the last time i have sat down and watched the asian dramas i love so much.
this year i thought i could handle it....but i feel like i can only handle so much...

big bang

if anyone saw their number 1 video, you should know. BIG BANG DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE IN JAPAN! THEY SHOULD FREAKINN COME TO AMERICA. Number 1 could do so well in america. seriously the song is really catchy. and guess what its in ENGLISH. even a bigger plus! so yea. YG so making such a big ass mistake and make Big Bang debut in AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
see for yourself...

Love in the Ice (Korean Version)

OMFG. THIS SONG IS FRIGGIN AWESOME. I LOVE THEIR HARMONIZATION. OMG. OMG. SO POWERFUL!!!! It's like they sang w/ more passion with this version. and it's a BIG plus that Changmin wrote the lyrics. AND YOOCHUNS HIGH NOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I LOVE IT!!!! SOO MUCH BETTER. and Junsu omg. junsu's voice i am trembling while im typing this...its so powerful and awesome. TVXQ has gotten so far. I'm so proud of my dorky boys. =DDDDDDDDDDD

7 years ago

today when i arrived in english class...on the smartboard there was the 9/11 memorial service going on live at ground zero. i was watching and suddenly tears started brimming. still so vivid.i think as i grow older...i grow more sympathetic towards the people who lost their lives. if you showed this to me 5 years ago...i would've been laughing.

im am so sore....so so so sore...i mean i've been to the gym before..but now i've been sore for days. and i have to go to school its not like i can sleep it off. >.< crud.

>_<

I should really listen to people more often. when they say to go to sleep you should go to sleep. darn it. now im so not tired and its 4 in the morning. great...shit how am i going to get this corrected? befre school starts???

Liu Xiang hopefully a comeback in 2012

i saw the race today on NBC. i really wanted to see him race. but the pain on his face during the warmups. i felt soo sad. first asian man to win a gold medal and he was to ready to race in his home country and he just walked out. i felt like crying. T.T but hopefully he will come back in 2012 to win the gold medal for china again.

Pride

I feel so proud that I came from a culture that has been around since the beginning of civilization. Beijing 2008 has made me realize that the Chinese who continue to work hard can achieve anything. Even though I'm sick (fever 107); when I see Beijing on the the front of the Chinese newspapers, I feel like tearing up because I am so proud. It truly is a proud moment for the Chinese.

after cooling down

after a couple of hours and cooling down. i realized that maybe i was being too harsh. my parents raised me. I'm also involved in this. i shouldn't be complaining or yelling at them. ill call my dad tomorrow and apologize. he already has enough on his plate. and plus they really don't need a teenager yelling at them when things are already so tough.

I hate being the middle man (woman)

Between my parents, I'm the middle woman. I hate being in the middle of the battle field. Because who gets hurt? I do. I'm so sick of telling my dad to pay child support and deal with his IRS payments and his debt. I'm so sick of my mom nagging me about telling my dad to pay child support. I am so sick of being stuck in the middle. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO FUCKIN DESERVE THIS?! I hate being stuck in the middle of a feud. Since my dad doesn't pick up my moms calls I have to call my dad and tell him the stuff that isn't even my business. WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE?! It is taking a toll on my emotions. I can't deal with this all the time. Every single night..."Did you call your dad?" "Did he give you the money yet?" "Tell him that that DMV wants to pay this." "The IRS is looking for your dad" FUCK IT ALL. STUPID. I hate listening to it all the time. I have to do this. And I have to do that. I'm the fucking messenger in this fucking family. I hate this shit! My dad has to grow up and stop being a fucking child. and my mom has to understand that this is too fucking much for a seventeen year old who doesn't even understand why her parents CAN'T ACT LIKE FUCKING ADULTS!! This is too much. really.

misc.

recently i just feel like writing alot. ^^ hahah i saw the doushite PV by Tohoshinki umm its good? man they should've contuined the story a bit more. -.- grr. i wanted to know what happened next. >.<>.< omg i need the celling to be fixed. ASAP!!!!!!
havent done anything with my summer yet. i want to go do something. but i cant seem to volunteer anywhere. >.< no work experience no job no money boo.
i started writing a script. TVXQ gives me so much ideas. especially yoochun. hes the main character in this one. ill post it up as soon as i put up another blog and have the motovation to put it up. >.< too lazy. =P

untitled

sorry i havent written for so long. its been a while hasnt it beloved blog. i've been neglecting you. recently ive thought alot about what my cousin said about choosing my major. im so confused.
im torn between writing, languages,teaching,and business. i keep thinking i should do what other people want me to do. im mean they know me the best. i myself dont know what to do.

do i really have potential talent in writing? i keep a blog but that doesnt mean i can write. especially to make a career out of it. jen says that if i work at it i can make something out of it. but i dont write all the time. im too lazy, i have all these ideas but im too lazy to put it on paper.

i love languages, its my one true motavation in life. its to learn new languages. i love learning new languages. omg i want to learn soo many so badly and improve. i know its hardwork but if i put in enough hardwork im sure i can master it. noone believes i can do it. is it that hard to see me speaking korean,japanese,taiwanese,and awesome chinese. really its hard but i believe i can do it. ive never wanted something so badly. to speak different languages fluently will put me in a different position than others. why cant people see it like that?

i love kids, i really do. but its so safe and boring. i will only stay in one place all the time and be forever stuck with my mom! >.< if i choose to become a teacher i see myself 10 years from now dealing with middle school kids with bratty and annoying personalities. I'm still going to be living with my mom and giving her $2000 each month while trying to pay off my college tuition. i will actually go kill myself. i would go insane.

should i become a business woman? should i go into business because my dad wanted me to. he doesn't know me well anymore. why should he care about what i want. i really cant see myself being stuck in a small office cubicle working from 9 to 5 Monday to Friday.

a couple days ago i was with my dad taking care of some IRS business. his cellphone rang and all of a sudden he was talking in this gentle voice. he said hes eaten and ask the person on the phone if he/she eaten. i haven't seen him talking in a gentle voice in 3 years. when he talked to my mom he used to yell and talk in this harsh tone. i hated every single moment. but i kept my anger in and put on a happy voice. if they get married I'm protesting and not going to the wedding. shes only marrying him because shes a f-ing immigrant and she cant get a greencard. f-ing bitch i really hope she rots in hell.

i went camping with joey 4th of July weekend. it was so much fun. <3 shes so cool to talk with. really fun.
we got to the camping site at 3pm. there was platforms where we could pitch the tent up in a flat surface. it was the first time i pitched up a tent it was really fun. it looks hard but it really isnt. then it was bbq. joeys parents came really prepared. there were i think 6 other families. so they all brought food. i think we had food to last 18 people about 1 week. there was ALOT of food. omg ive never seen so much meat. it was around 9pm that both joey and i needed to go to the bathroom. before she warned me that the bathrooms and shower stalls were DISGUSTING. bugs on stalls, unimaginable smells,crap on the walls. the bathrooms and showerstalls were really DISGUSTING. there were crap on walls bugs on the stalls. they were so bad that both me and jolie didnt take a shower while we were there. UGGGH when we came back joey suggested that i try quail. OMG its the best thing ive ever tried. it was SOOO GOOOD. i ate like 4 pieces. it started raining around quarter to 12. raining really really hard. >.< stupid. i hate the rain and we were going to wait till the rain had stopped to go to the bathroom before we went to sleep, it was almost 3 and the rain STILL hadn't stopped. stupid. finally Henry brought us to the bathroom and at the campsite. IT WAS DARK. like no light whatsoever. omg not even a firefly. so dark.
me and joey talked until 3 and then Henry complained that we were too loud and told us to sleep. =P
me and joey slept until 11. hahah on sat i took like two naps and went fishing and walked on the beach. at night i was waiting for quail and some chicken? anyways i asked joey's dad if i could try some of his beer. he let me try. i more like gulped down a mouthful. ^^ it tasted awful. i coughed afterward. joey gave me Pepsi afterwards to get rid of the taste. then Henry said corona tasted milder. so i asked joeys father if i could try corona. yea...i took a taste....more like 3 mouthfuls. drank like half a plastic cup. it did taste milder but i still tasted the beer. afterwards we played the have you. omg I've never cussed so much ever. apparently i have a very foul mouth when I'm drinking. hahah people have drank underage before. i wasn't driving or doing anything. i could still see and think afterwards. but i was very tired so then i brushed my teeth (didn't want the beer taste in my mouth)and slept.
thankfully i didn't wake up with a hangover. =D i felt fine the next day.

i fail at life. seriously.

i'm so stupid. i know i should've tried harder. so so stupid. i got a F in ECON. and i got kicked out of college now. TT.TT just before i screamed in my pillow for 5 mins because i couldnt believe that i got kicked out
now this summer not only do i not have a job i also wont get college credit and next fall not only will i not take any college courses but i wont have any aps either. OH JOY.
im so disapointed in myself. i knew i shouldnt have taken it. it was to difficult. damn it. i feel like such a retard. this just...really sucks.

AIDS walkathon 2008...COMPLETE.

i will never in my life ever do this again. ever. well maybe in a couple of years. this morning I woke up at 6 in the morning to my alarm. because my sister basically dragged me to Manhatten to the walkathon. T.T really really annoying. so this morning we to the bus to Flushing with my mom and ate curry noodles in the moning. (it's really heavy in the morning, I was reluctant at first but it SMELLED SOO GOOD)Then around 8:30 we took the subway and AMY got us lost. WE HAD TO TRANSFER 4 TIMES! >.< anyways We got out to Lexington Ave and had to walk 4 Blocks to 5th Ave. Amy asked how I knew. The only street signs I know is Lexington, Park, Madison and THEN 5th Ave. We met Amy's math teacher in Central Park. THERE WAS ALOT OF PEOPLE. ALOT OF PEOPLE. SO CROWDED! I saw Amy's school friends and her math teacher. And two friends I knew. We started the walk around 10Am-ish? I dunno all i know was that there was alot of people and my feet hurt after the first 3 miles. I took pics and videos! hahah during the walk Amy's teacher asked me why she was late all the time. i told her its because she's an insomniac and she can't sleep. all i was doing the entire time was walking, listening to music and more walking. I actually counted how many steps I walked. well not me, my phone has this really cool application that counts the steps you walk. ^^ yep THERE WERE DRAG QUEENS. SO FUNNY. there are pic above. And during the halfpoint there was music playing so I danced a little bit. you know there was a bit of head nodding and a bit of 1,2 step going on. ^^ hahah finally around 1:45 or 2 PM. WE COMPLETED 6.2 MILES OF WALKING. YAY!!!! congrats. afterwards i wanted to go eat applebees or something like filling, but my dad kept calling. -.-;;;;; and kept telling us to go to Flushing. >.< so we took the train from Elmherst to Flushing and then it was raining. i dunno when it rains I get into a pissy mood. so i was pissed off afterwards. my sister doesnt like my dirastic mood changes. >.< ahh well. yup this day won't be forgotten for a while. my legs will remember it too! oh yea, congrats DBSK oppas on a successful show in hollywood bowl. ^^ more pics!
And a video. I dunno if you can see it or not. but yea there were alot of people that day.

worst week to date. >.<

this week was so horrible. there was rain. clouds. tears. lonliness. sadness. All i wanted to do was lie in my bed and cry. And I did that on thursday night.
maybe i should start from the beginning.
monday-was okay. thought nothing of it...it was a monday. im always cranky on a monday.
tuesday- the day i got my report card. as expected math and chem wasnt so good. the day my english teacher gave out recommendations to AP Lit. THE CLASS I REALLY REALLY wanted to get into.
wed- I found out that ONLY 3 PEOPLE IN MY CLASS got into it. One was this guy who sits behind me, he...i try harder than him and he still gets in. wtf?! i feel like no matter how hard I try I will never get anything I want. I also went to my dad's AA meeting. it was yea....i had to translate for him. I left early because he told me to. but then he called me and told me to come back. SO I HAD TO RUN 6 BLOCKS BACK TO FLUSHING. >.< not fun...
thurs-was really depressed throughout the entire day. everyone noticed. i wanted to cry. finally when my mom asked me what was wrong i broke down and told her what was wrong. how i didn't get into AP Lit and I tried my best and I still didn't get in. And how I was so disappointed in myself. I cried throughout the entire night.
Fri- still depressed...eyes were swollen in the morning. didn't want to go to school, but still had to. realised that i really don't have any AP's next year. and how its going to look on my high school record. and that just made me more depressed. caught a cold while trying to buy pizza to cheer myself up. cancelled friends meeting. didn't want to go to the rumors play even though i heard it was awesome.
sat- still depressed. all i wanted to do was sleep. so skipped econ class, which wasn't a good idea since i'm failing the class. and just sneezed and coughed and moped around all day.
today- still sick but a little better. i keep beating myself up about this class. i mean i should have tried harder. i know i was giving my best, but if giving my best means rejection what is going to happen if i try for something else...
i hate life.

Happy 17th to me~

...SPOT SAVED!... HAHAH
---------------------------------
i was suppose to do this a LONG LONG time ago. just dont have time? or just too lazy...
what happened on my birthday- watered down version
1.I turned 17.
2.31 people posted happy birthday on my facebook.
3.my dad didnt come home. to clebrate.
4.bought a subway sandwich for myself.
5.mom bought cake for me.
6.lots of people gave me hugs for my birthday.
7.2 people gave me a birthday present.
8.still waiting for my birthday card.

Rainbow.

I was in Taiwan again. God I miss Taiwan so much. But it was different this time. I was there to study/work. I can see, smell, and hear Taiwan all over again. I know this because I was driving in the country side with the windows down. Listening to "Rainbow". =D It was so much fun because Yunho was next to me. Yoochun and Junsu was sitting behind me and Jaejoong and Changmin was sitting behind them. I was taking them around Taiwan. I wanted to take them to the beach. The sun was shining and the air was brezzy/warm. I thought this would be the perfect day to go to the beach. Yunho was nice and funny to talk to. He's the one that I kept talking to the entire time except when I brought out kimbab then he just started eating. Junsu could not stop singing. >.< I almost cried out STOP SINGING, but then I just get the poor guy discouraged to stop singing and plus I love his voice too much. He's a really childish guy. I love playing with him ie: poking, chasing, more poking, more chasing. Yoochun is lovely, he's like a best guy friend you can have. A little too flirty but while I was driving and I looked in the car mirror (you know the car mirror in the car where you look to see what's going on in the back; does anyone know what I'm talking about)when the other's were sleeping because they were tired, I saw Yoochun staring out the window just staring at the scenery. He has this tranquil look on his face, and I wondered what is this guy thinking about, and the he look at me, well gave me eye contact, O.O I quickly reverted my eyes on the road again. -.-;; Yoochun must have had it hard I think. I don't know there's just something about this guy that make me want to hug him I guess? O.o
We took a break for a little while because I was tired and I needed to pee. I stopped and parked at a lake. Everyone got out and I quickly went to look for a woman's facilities. >.< While I was there I forgot my purse...I needed my purse...really badly. It had...yea things. And I couldn't go out and get it. All of a sudden I heard Jaejoong's voice. O.o JAEJOONG?! WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE? he's like you need your purse don't you? ...this guy really knows about women really really REALLY well.He threw my purse in the stall and quickly went back out. i thanked him over and over and over again because he really SAVED me. ^^; It turns out this guy can really make me open up my feelings. because while we were at the lake, both he and i just talked and talked. i hadn't had this cool of a conversation in such a long time. when i started driving again jaejoong this time sat in the front next to me. this guy...really relaxes me. he has like a protective aura or something. i can talk to him and not feel awkward. ^^ while i was talking to him and driving in no time at all i was at the beach. everyone was ready to go and have fun^^ haha i was super wiped and all i wanted to do was take a nap. -.-;; but i had a perfectly good reason. i woke up at at 6:00AM in the morning to prepare food for them and get ready everything so yea i was tired. sue me. but i wanted to help them take stuff to the beach and set it up. there was this heavy cooler in the trunk and it took me and my friend to get it to the trunk. i didn't know how i was going to carry it all the way to the beach and all of a sudden changmin pop up and asks me if i need help. ^^ such a tall and cute guy. yunho and changmin carried the cooler while i carried umbrella and jaejoong and yoochun carried the chairs while junsu took the food. ^^
they all went to play in the water while i was setting up. i didn't mind because i brought them here to relax, so it really didn't matter. when i was finished i was really ready to crash and i was so tired. >.< i told jaejoong that i was going to go take a nap in the car and if he or anyone else needed anything just to call me.
so i was just there in the car, laying back on the seat checking my messages and drifting to sleep when the car door opens and someone puts a jacket/sweater on me. it smelled really nice, and comforting. and i closed my eyes...drifting...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
who you do think put the sweater/jacket on me? i don't know!, because I woke up afterwards. T__T T__T
stupid alarm clock went off before i go to a good part. hehe
i wonder if there is such thing as dream telepathy or something? O.o

Success!!...and then a hangover.

my first time accomplishing something this huge probably???...i mean coordinating Foriegn Food Night for my club is @.@...and then >.<...and then some more of @.@.
But I'm happy it went so well, especially when I though everything was going to be a disaster since there was a change in menu, a heating incident, soaked pastry, and a chaotic clean up. But my friends, the board, was there to help and without then seriously I though I was going to go insane. I was on the verge of yelling to everyone. Yes there was a bit of shouting and ordering around but I don't think FFN would have happen if I didn't do that. ^^;; But IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. I wish i took pics...>.< Amy came along TOO! it was even more fun we both ate so much food.
...FOOD HANGOVER...@.@
anyways i wanna do it next year also! ^^
i think it would be so much fun! ^^ haha

I WANNA GO TO JAPAN!!!!

I WANNA GO TO JAPAN AND SEE TOHOSHINKI/TVXQ! WHY?! WHY?! WHY!? TT____TT
I'VE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING THIS BAD...WELL SECOND TO ANYTHING...!! I WANNA GO TO JAPAN!!! AND SEE TOHOSHINKI! just now i went to check how much the tickets were selling in japan. guess how much...you'll just freak out. i know i did and then i went into despair. they are 150000 yen in japan....convert it into US dollars and you get....

1,510.95 U.S. dollars...

-.-; I WAS BASICALLY JUST MOPING AROUND AFTER THAT JUST LAYING IN DESPAIR BECAUSE I'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE TOHOSHINKI IN PERSON. I REALLY WANT TO GO TO THE THEIR CONCERT IN JAPAN. BECAUSE IN JAPAN THEY ONLY SING THEIR JAPANESE SONGS. Every other Asian country they sing in Korean. And plus the fans are crazy in Korea. o.o
TT____TT
TT_____TT
TT_____TT
right now I'm like doing mental calculations in my head...tohoshinki ticket + plane ticket + hotel room + spending money = me broke.
it would really be alot of fun if i went with a friend...but who is really willing to pay $1500.00 dollars to see them. (I WOULD) TT___TT
i wanna go to japan.

LONG UPDATE COMING UP!

I have so many thing to write about, because lately there has been a lot of things on my mind. First I have to start off with a little DBSK fangirling. Besides Cristy I really just keep the fangirling to myself. ^^ Anyways, (darn it I really should've watched the video a long time ago) Love In The Ice LIVE IS FREAKING AWESOME~!This song live is just spectacular. I was watching it on youtube. *dies* DBSK together...I really can't imagine anyone else replacing them,like ever. I will continue to love and support them until the day I die. I was watching the concert clip and I was like captured by their power?. They truly have this hold on you until the performance is over. (T__T Please continuing singing this song until I can actually afford to go to Japan to see you sing this live. ^^)Anyways, their voices especially Yoochun when he did the ahhh~. I had goosebumps all over my skin. Junsu never ceases to disappoint me with his powerful voice. When I listen to it on my Walkman MP3, I can clearly distinguish all of their voices even though they are singing together. They mesh so well!! ^^ (Right now I'm listening to Love In The Ice while typing up my blog. I really wanna go see them live in concert.) Jaejoong's voice is still amazing. But this time Changmin and Yunho voices I really noticed. I mean ALL THE BOYS VOICES STOOD OUT. BUT Changmin's voice is really strong really powerful, I noticed it in Rising Sun also. O.O IF THEY WERE SERENADING IT JUST FOR ME I'D DIE A HAPPY PERSON. I WOULD BE LIKE HEY THERE IS NO MORE OF A REASON FOR ME TO LIVE,^^ hehe. Usually, when I listen to DBSK I only notice Junsu's and Jaejoong's voice but (this is why I love Love in the Ice so much) everybody's voice stood out so clearly. I'm so proud of my dorky boys. <3 And the lyrics (posted earlier) omg the lyrics...you have to read the lyrics to understand everything. It is so beautiful, it make me want to cry. TT__TT But enough about DBSK. I can always fangirl some other time. ^^
I'm so curious if this happens to other people. In school on the 3rd floor everyday, I always see someone familiar. Like I would remember their name and know what class we have in common. But like I would want to wave hi? but I don't see the other person waving hi so I'd just forget about it. Why do they do that though? I mean I recognize them and I'm pretty sure they recognize me; but why do they not wave back? Isn't it suppose to be a friendly gesture? Besides the point, every morning I take the bus. And I see the same exact people everyday. I mean they're all familiar to me but at the same time they are strangers. If we say hi they would think that we're crazy if we don't say hi they think that we're mean? How the heck are we suppose to find the delicate balance between both?
My English teacher recently assigned us our Junior Thesis. T__T so anyways. I was thinking about what my thesis would be and I so suck at these things. And something popped into my mind at like 5:30AM in the morning (does this happen to anyone?). The idea was identity. I read a couple books about it. IE:Ethan Frome, Girls in Pants. And earlier this week I was reading something about Asian Stereotype. I was thinking well do I have an identity? If I did, what was it? I never really thought about these things you know. at home I'm the oldest out of three children. (well, now the second oldest) At school, I don't have an identity, I mean when I think about it do I really? I'm on the girl's fencing team, part of some clubs,part of a society. But other than that I'm not part of anything. I see many people who are confident about themselves. But at school I feel like I'm lost?, forgotten?, invisible. I'm blended into the walls. I know I'm quiet and talk only when the teacher calls on me; I feel invisible sometimes, not sometimes quite alot of times. I have to repeat my idea two or even three times before my idea is heard! I feel that obtaining an identity probably one of the challenges in high school. Probably people in college have trouble obtaining an identity. i feel that without one, a person will probably be lost and confused. ahh~ one of the many problems of high school.

confusion...perhaps true?

my entire family is messed up, seriously. i thought my family was a nice normal type of family. today i learned a big secret my parents have kept from me my entire life. everything is unraveling right now. the way i look at my parents now is so different. im so confused, i hear two different sides of the story and now i dont know which one is right. my life is right now so...MESSED UP. why does it have to be so chaotic at a time like this? i find out in this point in my life i have an older sister that i NEVER KNEW ABOUT. i hear two different sides of the same story. my mom is married to two people at the same time? she has a family in malaysia? is that why she doesnt want to return? how can she leave my sister over there in malaysia? if i ever meet her; will she be mean or nice to me? i've never seen her ever. and i want to see her; really badly. i wonder what will happen when we meet face to face? will she look at me with pure hatred? or welcome me with open arms. I FIND OUT THAT I HAVE A HALF SISTER MY ENTIRE LIFE. does my mom really have another family in malaysia? what is she chose my sister over me? would i have been in the same situation as she is now? if my mom chose her over me i would've been the one who was motherless...i really cant imagine because my father is so helpless.
what am i going to do? there is so many things going on. i just want to run away from it all.

T___T

i see my future flashing beofre my eyes. T__T is all going down the drain. why did i know study for the SATs? im so stupid. really really really stupid. omgsh i feel so stupid right now. T____T i really really hate my score. i expected to do so much better. T___T i did worse on my sats than on the psats? DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?! i feel so stupid.

TO THE FUCKING BITCH WHO BROKE UP MY FAMILY.

HEY BITCH. IF I EVER MEET YOU IN THE STREETS YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK ILL SCREW UP YOUR GOD DAMN FACE SO MUCH THAT YOU WONT EVEN BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR FUGLY FACE ANYMORE. YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT BREAKING UP MY FAMILY? WATCH YOUR BACK BITCH, YOU REALLY HAVE IT COMMING. IF I EVER MEET YOU IN THE STREET; YOU WILL SURELY REGRET RUINING MY FAMILY. YOU BITCH.. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I HOPE THAT WHEN I MEET YOU; MY DAD WONT BE THERE BECAUSE THAT WAY I CAN FUCKING THROW ACID IN YOUR GODDAMM FACE SO EVEN MY DAD WONT BE ABLE TO THINK YOU'RE FUCKING PRETTY ANYMORE. YOU'RE FUCKING HORRIBLE. YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT; I HOPE YOU FUCKING GO TO HELL. BECAUSE IF YOUR DONT ILL FUCKING SEND YOU THERE.

LITTLE DO YOU KNOW I ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE...I HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND I KNOW YOU LIVE IN ELEMHERST. I KNOW YOUR CHINESE AND I KNOW YOU SHOP AT DAFFY'S. I'VE SEEN YOUR FUGLY FACE AND IF I EVER SEE YOU IN FLUSHING OR ANYWHERE...YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE THE FUCKING NEXT DAY.

to shim changmin oppa~

CHANGMIN OPPA. Happy Birthday! you'll be 20 this year right? stay healthy and dont overwork too much. i dont need to worry about you as much because i know you are okay. oppa! dont abuse jaejoong oppa too much! because you are much stronger than him. although if he hits you its okay to hit him back! ^__^ oppa, remember to protect your voice okay? i dont want you to lose your voice because the other oppas cant reach as high a note as you. =D study english changmin-ah~ because that way i can see TVXQ in the US. ^__^

sick!

at home during the first FULL week of school. T___T i really did not want to be home today. i had to get back my ap form for psychology take a quiz for both science and math. T__T i wanted to change this semester also. T__T
but this morning i went to bed at 2 and when i tried to get up at 6 this big wave of nausea came over me. T____T i got a fever and i wasnt allowed to leave the bed. T___T
i finally woke up around 2 in the afternoon. and now i really want to take my quizzes and get back my psych form. T___T

Message to Yunho oppa~!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! or HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!
YUNHO~ah!Saranghaeyo. Be healthy and stay away from anti-fans. Have fun this year, don't work too hard. We'll be here cheering for you! ^^ Take care of your voice. DON'T GET SICK! YunHo Oppa fighting! =D Don't tease Junsu oppa too much, he's sensitive too!

Saturdays are getting more hectic. >.>

before i write anything else...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAEJOONG OPPA!!!!
well...HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY JAEJOONG OPPA!!!!
i hope everything was fun on your birthday...don't get sick. -_-
hehehe...=DDD
anyways. yesterday or today...still not asleep yet...so wired. @.@ i took my SATs for the first time ever. My brain still hurts but ill tell you what happened. So this morning or yesterday morning I woke up around 6:30 AM. Because we had to be there by 7:45AM. -_- so i woke up feeling tired, i wasn't nervous or anything...i just wanted to sleep more. but i knew i had to get up. so i woke up expecting my dad to be home because he said he would take me to the testing center. =_= gahh. my father DID NOT take me to Flushing HS. INSTEAD I HAD TO LEAVE AT 7AM IN THE MORNING TO TAKE THE BUS TO FLUSHING!!!! i would've been in a much better mood and wouldn't have been so stressed if i didn't have to stand out in the freezing cold. =_= my worst fear was that i was going to be late for the exam. but i arrived on time, actually they made us WAIT out in the freezing cold until 8:00AM. i was really pissed off yesterday morning, and the cold just made it worse. i found my room fine, i thought the most difficult part was finding ones room, but i found mine rather quickly. ^^ the procter was a nice lady with a really loud voice. she's engaged to be married actually. =D i was the first to arrive at the classroom, and she assigned me a seat, the first seat in the first row, it was okay until the desk moved. =_=
I ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT TOLERATE A WOBBLY DESK. It really just annoys the crap out of me. so i asked if i could move my seat, luckily she said yes.
In legal terms I'm not allowed to talk about the test until after I get my scores so im just going to skip that part.
Overall the SATs were meh. I fell asleep after I was done with one of the reading sections. -.- that was a really bad idea. dont ever sleep during the SATs;its stupidand you'll regret. I didnt have a chance to check my answers because i fell asleep. >.< i probable got like 5-10 wrong on that section.
after the sats i had ECON class. ECON is microeconomics. I ARRIVED 45 MINS LATE and EVERYONE was staring at me. T__T i think ECON is going to be a difficult class to handle. by the time class ended, by head felt like it was going to burst. it was pounding so much and i was tired and hungry and cold. T_T
i didnt get to sleep after i got home because my dad took us to korean bbq. i wasnt in the mood for korean bbq. but i wanted to see him so me and my siblings went. the food was really good and afterwards i was craving for green tea ice cream but it didnt really matter because i was really FULL afterwards. ^^
when i arrived home...i was super wiped and I NEEDED SLEEP. so i just changed into my pjs;not even caring if i smelled like smoke or not and just slept.

OMGSH. DBSK!

OMGSH OMGSH OMGSH OMGSH IM GOING TO SCREAM AND SPAZZ. GAHHHHHHHH. I LOVE CRISTY FOR SENDING THE DOWNLOAD LINKS. THANKS CRISTY. I COMPETELY LOVE DARKNESS EYES. I'M LIKE SPAZZING OVER THIS SONG RIGHT NOW. WHEN IT FIRST CAME ON..I WAS LIKE LISA CALM DOWN BREATHE. BECAUSE FOR A MOMENT THERE I ALMOST STOPPED BREATHING....GAHHHHHH 0.0.
I LOVE THEM ALL...OMGSH THA ALBUM ITSELF IS SOO AWESOME. I HAVE GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER MY ENTIRE BODY RIGHT NOW. OMGSH!!!!!!!! DBSK IS AWESOME.

EDIT 2:09
i love this song. ever since DBSK put it on the summer dream single. i now love it even better because its on "T"
here are the lyrics. credits to candy1pop

LOVE IN THE ICE

It's not your fault those hands are cold
Holding on to the hurts from the past
Afraid to love someone
Turning your back against the true meaning of the story
Like ice, the heart that is hugged
Slowly melts

To be loved by someone or whoever
It makes life shine like this
If it was me
I would make your heart once again
Warm with eternal tenderness

Fate's play
Even if it makes your heart hurt
At the end of the tear

A stream of light
Comes down from the dark
We can know it

We can feel the strong painful feeling
A person's warmth

Sadness and loneliness that everyone has
Looking for the place to recover
Yes for you that place is here
Don't worry don't hesitate anymore
I will protect you

Because it is a beautiful love as it is sad
Jaejoong-(My heart)
Yunho-(Don't be afraid)

This beautiful time as it is ephemeral
Changmin-(Let you know of my mind)
Yoochun-(you know) (Let you know my love)

To be loved by someone or whoever
It makes life shine like this
If it was me
I would make your heart once again
Warm with eternal tenderness

When I meet them one day the first question I'm going to ask is what was on your mind when you were writing this song?=DDD im very curious, i think yoochun wrote this song right? so then the must've been someone on his mind when he was writing this song. im very curious to what he was thinking about. =D

Homesick

i miss Taiwan again. i always have this feeling of nostalgia i cant get rid of. i always wonder why did my parents move to the US in the fist place? i know they wanted to start a new life. but right now...it would've seemed better if we had stayed in Taiwan.
... i really don't understand my father. when he came here, my Nana wanted him to start a new life. he could have gone to a college and get a degree while working at my aunts restaurant. instead he choose to marry my mom...and now things are just really messed up.
i sometimes wish that maybe if i could turn back time just this once. i would go back to that day in Peekskill,NY when my father arrived to my aunts restaurant and just go there and tell him of all the bad mistakes he made because of his rash thinking.
OMG i cant stop think about Taiwan. even though the government is corrupted; the people there are absolutely amazing.how can such a great country have such a greedy goverment?

*GULP* Who wants to see a Balut?

Today, I've literally seen the most strangest food ever. It happens to be called a Balut. What is a balut you might ask? YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! But I'll tell you anyways. A Balut is a fertilized egg that is a delicacy in the Philippines and throughout most of Asia. It is usually sold on streets by vendors. For more info go to wiki, type in Balut. Well, today I happen to try one. It all started last Tuesday when my sister Amy, decided to go to 69th Street in Manhattan and get three uncooked Baluts. One for me,her,and my brother. She came home and cooked the eggs straight away. And ate the two while she left the other one for me. She called me and said she bought the Balut and demanded that I eat it. I responded back just as aggressively "LIKE HELL I WOULD EAT A FREAKING FERTILIZED EGG WITH AN INNOCENT ANIMAL INSIDE IT!!!".
Because that is what a Balut is. A fertilized egg meaning an unborn baby duck that is boiled and eaten with salt.
Fast fowarding to today, my sister decided to boil the last remaining egg and eat it.
We were all looking at her like she was an alien because only someone like Andrew Zimmeran would eat something like Balut. So when she cracked it, I went to get the camera and she started screaming. My brother and I started screaming also because we thought the egg was alive and she was like there was a bubble and I popped it and then all the juice started leaking out so then I screamed. -.-So me and my brother were there watching her eat it.
Here are some pics.



See that brown thing that looks like a baby fetus. THAT IS A BABY FETUS!!



...The camera was a little shaky because I kept laughing...

..what? I thought it was funny?

...Amy dipped it in salt...I asked her why?...

she says that's how you eat it...I read about it ...and she's right.

But I did eat a little piece. The yellow part. With the salt. It tasted like hard-boiled yolk, only a bit saltier.

Amy ate the fetus, and I watched her like I was amazed because I would've thrown up. >.>


She ate it all. I asked her to buy one for me, because if I never try this I will surely regret it.
I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS DAY. EVER.

Happy New Year~

Happy New Year to all my peeps who read this blog. But I'm not really looking forward to this incoming year. sigh.~ all i can think about is...my parents. But I'm not going to ruin today. Although i can say that is wouldn't hurt for my dad to come home every now and then. So yea, have fun this year. make a difference.change something.do something.talk.play.love.