RANT.

The past few days has been an insight for me. Honestly, I feel too like I should change to become a better person. Myself right now is not good enough to endure what I am going through right now.

Today was just a roller coaster of emotions. Reeling in from yesterday, I was sleep deprived, stressed, worried, tired, depressed, jealous. It was all rolled up into a ball and it was really difficult to deal with. I was worrying about my grandfather, my father, my school, my friends, myself, my family.My grandfather is sick with stomach cancer (last stage). My dad refuses to give us child support so I have to find a way to earn $5oo each month. My mom's room is still not livable yet, I have yet to get a closet, I have a psychology test on Tuesday. I have to work 3 days a week while juggling schoolwork, work, and family. MY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT DUTIES NOW.
Today is the MID-AUTUMN moon festival and I was suppose to spend it with my family, and I had to work. How does that make me feel not to spend it with the people that matters to me the most? I couldn't spend time with my sister, my brother, my cousins, my aunt and uncle. They mean the most to me and I couldn't be with them. That's really hard for me. Especially when family matters to me so much.
And I'm worried about my grandfather in Taiwan who is in the hospital wishing that he could see my father again and he can't because my father refuses to talk to him. And how I had to use unspeakable methods to track my dad down because he refuses to talk to his family. My grandfather pays for child support you know. And he won't be able to support us anymore. Because that money is very important to us, it's what keeps a shelter under our roof. And all of a sudden this responsibility is stuck on me and I'm suppose to help my mom out now. I can't help but think I'm going to let them down.
I love going to college, I seriously do, it's great. Unfortunately I hardly have time to study. I would love LOVE LOVE my own desk and lamp light and corner to study in. I have to cram at the last minute because i hardly ever have the time to study. Yesterday, I went out with my friends and they told me about their dorm lives and how they love it. They go to shows every weekend and study as hard as they can. They live with roommates and they become best friends. I could not but feel that I could've had that type of college life but my mom needed me here. It's so difficult not being able to do things for yourself and be selfish when there are people that need to be dependent on you.
AND today at work, seriously some of my coworkers are the laziest people on earth. i came in this morning and there was things that was suppose to be done on friday that hadn't been finished, there was only one person working at the store. I can't work in that environment. I have to work with stupid people and it takes a great amount of patience NOT to scream at them and say that you're doing it wrong.
i think that this post it just a rant and that people need to rant and get emotions and feelings off their backs and that this post was just suppose to do that. so i feel better and im not crying anymore. and now im going to dry my hair do a bit of studying and sleep. good night people.