trying to study in the library. >.>

okay, you know how studying in the library is suppose to help you concentrate and everything?? not really helping seriously my thought are not even on the subject, and this is a topic i really need to have at least a 85 in order to pass this class. now, where the hell am i suppose to study huh??

to whom may it concern

okay i understand when there is a boundary crossed. but honestly i really am pissed off at you and your gf. i understand when you two need some alone time and what not. but when the situation comes to the fact that me and amy and eric ASKED you to come with us to the movies and lunch and you said no. that just really hurt me. and i treat you as a fucking older brother and whatever. and you know what that is going to fucking change. from now on you are nothing to me and you always will be. what the hell was i thinking introducing you to my brother and sister, obviously you weren't good enough for them and uuggh and to think i trusted you with them. and you need to realise that forget camping and forget doing anything together ever again because that is it. i have never felt so betrayed in my whole life and i trusted you alot.

exhausted

im fucking tired of it all. its become fucking ridiculous. i want to fucking move out. i dont fucking care where. the farther the better. im fucking carrying all the responsibilities and work and im fucking tired of it all. i don't fucking want people to give me pity crap. I dont fucking want people to give me bull crap. I don't want fucking people to give me advice on how to deal with it.
all i need is my fucking freedom and i dont even fucking have that. what i need is people to get off my fucking back. im doing what im suppose to do arent i. Im making money and im fucking going to school right. then what the fuck is with these peoples attitudes.
ive already sacrificed my social life, my friends, my LIFE in GENERAL. so GET OFF MY ASS ON IT. i dont even have time for myself anymore. and dont even include my siblings. they aren't the problem. the problem is that I HAVE TO GET AWAY. i dont fucking care how im going i just want to get away from it all.


....okay done ranting. im fine now.

Out of touch

Recently, I've been out of touch with reality. My family has been very distant from me. Or I have been very distant from my family. Everyone has things to do now especially me, so there hasn't been anytime to spend with my family. Both my brother and sister haven't been acting so lazy. They haven't been doing their chores or their homework or even helping my mom out. I know school started and everything and they have alot of school work but honestly they can't even take the time to do chores help keep the apartment clean. It's already hard enough to live in a small space. But in a small dirty space. I know in the past I was lenient but they should know that they need to help out also. They just don't.My brother is the worst. He doesn't even listen. Both nicely and scolding wise. It just doesn't work. And honestly speaking I think that both my sister and brother need a reality check. I can only deal with so much.

RANT.

The past few days has been an insight for me. Honestly, I feel too like I should change to become a better person. Myself right now is not good enough to endure what I am going through right now.

Today was just a roller coaster of emotions. Reeling in from yesterday, I was sleep deprived, stressed, worried, tired, depressed, jealous. It was all rolled up into a ball and it was really difficult to deal with. I was worrying about my grandfather, my father, my school, my friends, myself, my family.My grandfather is sick with stomach cancer (last stage). My dad refuses to give us child support so I have to find a way to earn $5oo each month. My mom's room is still not livable yet, I have yet to get a closet, I have a psychology test on Tuesday. I have to work 3 days a week while juggling schoolwork, work, and family. MY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT DUTIES NOW.
Today is the MID-AUTUMN moon festival and I was suppose to spend it with my family, and I had to work. How does that make me feel not to spend it with the people that matters to me the most? I couldn't spend time with my sister, my brother, my cousins, my aunt and uncle. They mean the most to me and I couldn't be with them. That's really hard for me. Especially when family matters to me so much.
And I'm worried about my grandfather in Taiwan who is in the hospital wishing that he could see my father again and he can't because my father refuses to talk to him. And how I had to use unspeakable methods to track my dad down because he refuses to talk to his family. My grandfather pays for child support you know. And he won't be able to support us anymore. Because that money is very important to us, it's what keeps a shelter under our roof. And all of a sudden this responsibility is stuck on me and I'm suppose to help my mom out now. I can't help but think I'm going to let them down.
I love going to college, I seriously do, it's great. Unfortunately I hardly have time to study. I would love LOVE LOVE my own desk and lamp light and corner to study in. I have to cram at the last minute because i hardly ever have the time to study. Yesterday, I went out with my friends and they told me about their dorm lives and how they love it. They go to shows every weekend and study as hard as they can. They live with roommates and they become best friends. I could not but feel that I could've had that type of college life but my mom needed me here. It's so difficult not being able to do things for yourself and be selfish when there are people that need to be dependent on you.
AND today at work, seriously some of my coworkers are the laziest people on earth. i came in this morning and there was things that was suppose to be done on friday that hadn't been finished, there was only one person working at the store. I can't work in that environment. I have to work with stupid people and it takes a great amount of patience NOT to scream at them and say that you're doing it wrong.
i think that this post it just a rant and that people need to rant and get emotions and feelings off their backs and that this post was just suppose to do that. so i feel better and im not crying anymore. and now im going to dry my hair do a bit of studying and sleep. good night people.

4 or 5?

so im thinking about switching to 4 classes instead of having 5 what do you think? should i load myself up with 5 classes?
i think i should take it slowly before taking so much classes because honesltly do you think having 5 classes plus work after class and on weekends is good
i hardly have study time and room to breath. so yea i think ill just stick with 4. but i really need to know what i should do.
you guys think i can handle 5 classes?

arrgh annoying pests

so before i write about my problem. just now i clicked on this advertisement called choose your color.com
and this site is like BOGUS. they wanted testers for their new laptop macbook air and i thought you know maybe i could test out this laptop and keep it. it turns out, before you can test it out. you have to go through these sponsors like try out their new products and crap. and i filled out the site and it was so stupid. so i unsubscribed and yea it was just a waste of time. honestly.
now for my problem, i have bed bugs
its mentally and physically frustrating. its not that big though. just a small infestation of small tiny bugs that come out in the night and crawl all over you. >.<
I HATE IT. im not getting bitten only my brother and my sister and my mom. so therefore my entire family except me. >.<
I HATE THEM. I WANT TO GET RID OF THEM. we're getting an exterminator to come next week. so but still. urrgh
and plus i missed my welcoming day today. thats a day ill never get back.

childish mess

dependency is a big problem. for me, for drug addicts.
i need to be more assertive and mature and think before i talk attitude right?
stupid assumptions. it just messes you up even more.

I NEED TO VENT!

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT CUSTOMERS ARE EXPECTED TO ACT A CERTAIN WAY WHEN THEY COME IN TO BUY THINGS JUST LIKE EMPLOYEES ARE EXPECTED TO ACT. IF YOU CANT FUCKING ACT LIKE A PERSON THEN DON'T COME IN NOT EXPECTED TO BE TREATED LIKE A BITCH. YOU ASSHOLE. DON'T FUCKING CALL ME A BITCH YOU FUCKING DRUNK. CLEARLY YOU'VE BEEN OUT ALL NIGHT I COULD FUCKING SMELL THE ALCOHOL OFF YOUR FUCKING BREATH. YOU ARENT EVEN ACTING LIKE AN ADULT. HOW COULD SOMEONE LIKE YOU EVEN FUCKING EXIST????


i can not have someone like that get under my skin. i need to stop taking counter. and gahhhh, STUPID ASSHOLES. i was having a panic attack today. like seriously, i couldnt handle it,i was losing it my mind was going to split in two. part of me wanted to break the headlights off of their car. i think this is getting too much for me to handle.

happy/somber day

today was the day of my high school graduation




SAVED TO BE CONTINUED!

Stupidity at its finest

I am soo mad!!! I feel like such an idiot. laziness is getting to me. Like an idiot I forgot to read the fine print of my freshman orientation guide and like an idiot i was forced to reschedule my date for orientation!!!!! I forgot to ask my doctor to put a stamp on my immunization form and I can't register for classes without it and now i have to reschedule my date to the JULY 15TH!!!!!! OH NOOOOO!!! WHAT HAPPENS NOW~! all the good classes are going to be filled up. im such an idiot!

Losing Identity

I am in a identity crisis here. I have no idea who I am, people say I have changed over the course in a year and I don't know, I feel like I have and I don't know what to do. I DON'T FEEL LIKE MYSELF ANYMORE!!!!! AT ALL. I don't know what I like. I feel like I can't do thing without...
This is all so crazy. I don't think I can handle it. I want to stop feeling like this!!!!!! How! What is it when you break up with a guy the process becomes like this. During this relationship I have completely lost myself in the process. I don't know myself anymore. I don't understand what or how I feel. I can't think for myself. I have become completely dependent on my ex-boyfriend, and it's not good. I can't stay like this and I need to find out a way to stop this from becoming a more worse problem.

18th Birthday

...under construction...

bump be gone

so its been about a week since my surgery....its been okay i cant do any rigorous activity hence i cant go to school. and now im just at home really really bored. wtf. entertaining myself by watching and reading about TVXQ. i swear even 550 years from now i will still love TVXQ. i should be better by Wednesday...and maybe i will be able to work...^^ whoo~ theres something for me to do...i cant even lay on my back I CANT SLEEP ON MY BACK!!! i have to lay on my stomach. and now i have to sit up straight ALL THE TIME. it gets annoying after 5 days. i cant slouch anymore. my friend says that's its a good thing since i can correct my position. I AM COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE WITH THIS POSITION!!!slouching is not a bad habit...well...maybe it it...but im trying to correct it.

my parents

my mom and dad the two people who brought me here CANNOT even speak two words to each other before they start arguing. they call me childish. I AM CHILDISH???? WHEN BOTH OF THEM ARE PUTTING ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR STUPID FIGHT!!! what did i do to deserve this. this is one of the reasons why i cant stay here anymore. why should i stay in a place where all there is , is yelling. i cant i really cant i want to go to a college where i can stay at a dorm. i cant stay here. I CANT!

not in the mood to study....

i am so not in the mood to study and its already 12 am >.< darn. i really just dont care anymore... >.< anyways i really should though but procrastinating is just part of life for me. its actually a psychological response really. because you fear that you are going to fail you do less...if that makes any sense. i really just dont want to study...even though id like to...its all mind games. >.<
anyways today i went to the dermatologist to get this bump checked out on my back. ever since my mom saw it shes been freaking out thinking its a beginning stages of cancer shes been bugging and bugging me, the doctor said it was just a cyst nothing particularly dangerous but i do have to do surgery to remove it. so im scheduled for a surgery tomorrow. O.o my mom thinks that its dangerous for me to go alone. but my greatest fear is fainting afterward from the anesthesia. >.< but yea...still...

i want to go to a TVXQ concert. NOW!!!

frann fine. mah!!!!

omg my voice is so nasally it sounds like frann fine from the nanny. its sooo funny it annoys the crap out my brother and sister. hahahha!!!
i cannot stop listening to bolero. it is soooooooooo soooooooo sooooooo gooooooood....I LOVE IT!!!!!! i still have no idea how it sounds even remotely close to volver. (it really doesn't) fly away fly away fly away to the top fly forever~

neglect

im sorry ive neglected you. my darling blog. it wasn't because i was too busy to write anything it was because i was afraid of what people would say. now im all better and i can continue to write again.

stupid move...

i feel like such an idiot. i took three capsules of NyQuil w/o eating anything and went to sleep. slept for two hours like the dead and woke up and ate rice. now my entire body's shaking...>.<

im telling you crying and taking cold medicine do not mix.

Bolero TVXQ!!!! LOVE!

omg omg omg omg omg
TVXQ never fails to disappoint me. this is my new favorite song. including TAXI!!! i love it. =DDDDD

yikes math

yikes a math final today. shit what am i going to do??!!!! im going to fail this one so badly. im sooo nervous. i really cannot retain anything about math. O.O glup i am so stressed out O.o going into nervous breakdown mode. ...

New Year +some mindless babbling =pointless post

So happy new year everyone! I feel like it is a very nice start to a new year. =D im a senior on my way to college. i haven't thought up any new year resolutions yet...since last year cuz i barely followed any of them. but im thinking up of them as the days pass. ultra long post coming along!


right now...im having a writers block. my mind is not flowing easily along now...nothing is coming easily now. i feel like my heart is blocking what im trying to write (if that makes any sense). im sitting at my computer right now listening to nan arayo and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT!! usually this time of year im writing about school or life but im so afraid...i might say the wrong thing and it will set off a chain reaction of yelling and...my god i thought this was a place i could write about things on my mind and if i keep caring about what other people think then what is this place????????